Your Family Might Be Stealing From Mom More Than Scammers
The uncomfortable truth about financial exploitation and why she won't report it.
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The Justice Department reported in 2023 that individuals aged 60 and older lost an estimated $2.7 billion to financial exploitation, and the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3) reported a total of $1.05 billion in losses from reported internet crimes in the same year. [c1] That means for every dollar lost to a stranger online, about two dollars and fifty cents went to someone the older adult knows. I saw those numbers and immediately thought about my mom. Not because I suspect my sister or her husband of anything, but because my mom, bless her heart, thinks she's a master negotiator and a shrewd investor. She once argued with a car salesman for two hours over floor mats. My complaint is simple: when we talk about financial abuse, we always focus on the Nigerian prince or the romance scammer. We frame it as a 'them' problem, an external threat. The FBI’s own report quotes an analyst saying, 'The majority of reported elder fraud cases involve perpetrators known to the victim, such as family members or caregivers.' That’s the industry response. It’s accurate, but it’s not the whole story. The real kicker is that reporting it often feels impossible. The FBI’s own 2023 Elder Fraud Report mentions that 'only a small percentage of elder fraud cases are reported to law enforcement, and even fewer result in prosecution.' Because of that statistic, I’m going to start asking my mom about her bank accounts using a specific phrase that’s been in my back pocket for months. I'm going to ask her if she's reviewed her trusted contact designation with her bank in the last year.
The direct answer
Adult children and other family members are responsible for the majority of financial exploitation targeting older adults, often accounting for more than two-thirds of reported losses. This happens because trust is already established, making it easier to manipulate or coerce an older adult into transferring funds or signing over assets. The difficulty in prosecution stems from the existing relationship, making victims reluctant to press charges against their own family members.
The Familiar Face of Fraud
It’s not just about strangers with convincing stories. Research from the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) and the FINRA Investor Education Foundation consistently shows that family members, friends, and caregivers are the most common perpetrators of financial exploitation against older adults. A 2021 report from the CFPB indicated that over 60% of elder financial exploitation cases involved a perpetrator with a familial relationship to the victim. [c2] This isn’t a small percentage; it’s the overwhelming majority.
These aren't always malicious, calculated schemes. Sometimes it’s an adult child with mounting debts who sees a parent’s savings as an easy way out. Other times, it's a caregiver who feels entitled to compensation beyond what's agreed upon, or who rationalizes taking money for 'expenses.' The lines blur when the person making the requests is the same one helping with appointments or managing household bills.
When the perpetrator is family, the older adult is often caught in a painful bind. They may feel guilt, shame, or a deep-seated loyalty that prevents them from seeing the behavior as criminal. They might also fear alienating the very person they rely on for daily support, or worry about the family fallout if legal action is taken.
Why Mom Won't Call the Cops
The reluctance to report is a critical, often overlooked, aspect of this problem. Unlike a stranger who can be forgotten, a family member is a permanent fixture. The fear of destroying family relationships, causing public shame, or even facing retaliation can be paralyzing. A study by the National Adult Protective Services Association (NAPSA) highlights that many victims of family-perpetrated exploitation are hesitant to involve law enforcement or adult protective services because they don't want to see their relative arrested or ostracized. [c3]
Even when an older adult recognizes the wrongdoing, they might rationalize it. 'He’s just going through a tough time.' 'She needs the money for the kids.' This internal justification makes it harder to take action. The emotional toll is immense; it’s not just about the money lost, but the betrayal of trust from someone they love and may have raised.
This reluctance means that the true scale of family financial exploitation is likely much larger than reported statistics suggest. When cases aren't reported, they don't enter the justice system, and perpetrators don't face consequences, potentially allowing the behavior to continue or escalate.
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The Cost of Silence: What's Really Lost
The financial losses are staggering, but they are only part of the story. The emotional and psychological impact on the older adult can be devastating. A 2022 report from the AARP highlighted that victims of financial exploitation experience higher rates of depression, anxiety, and social isolation. [c4] The sense of security and independence is shattered, replaced by fear and mistrust.
Beyond the individual, this issue creates deep rifts within families. Sibling conflicts can erupt over suspicions or actual discoveries of financial impropriety. Long-distance caregivers often feel powerless, trying to manage a parent’s finances from afar while dealing with potential exploitation by a sibling who is on the ground.
Consider the scenario where one sibling is the primary caregiver and has access to the parent’s accounts. If that sibling starts making unauthorized withdrawals, the other siblings might only discover it years later, when the parent’s assets are significantly depleted. The ensuing arguments and accusations can permanently damage family bonds, leaving everyone feeling the sting of loss, not just financially, but relationally.
Common mistakes
- Assuming financial abuse only comes from strangers.
This assumption leads families to overlook the more common and insidious threat from within. It's important to acknowledge that families can be the perpetrators and to establish safeguards accordingly. - Waiting for the older adult to report the abuse.
Victims are often too ashamed, scared, or loyal to report their own family members. Proactive communication and establishing financial safeguards are essential, rather than relying on the victim to come forward.
Frequently asked
How can I prevent my adult children from exploiting my finances?
Start by having open conversations about your financial situation and your intentions for your assets. Designate a trusted contact at your bank and investment firms. Consider setting up a trust or power of attorney with clear guidelines and oversight from a neutral third party. Regularly review your account statements and be wary of sudden, unexplained withdrawals or transfers.
My sibling is managing Mom’s finances, and I’m worried. What can I do?
Request regular, detailed financial statements from your sibling, preferably from the bank or financial institution directly, not just summarized reports. Ask your parent if they are comfortable with the current arrangement and if they have access to their own account information. If concerns persist, consider involving an elder law attorney to explore options for oversight or alternative financial management.
Mom gave money to her friend, and now it’s gone. Should I involve the police?
This is a difficult situation. While it may not be criminal exploitation if Mom willingly gave the money, if there was coercion or deception involved, it could be. Consult with an elder law attorney to understand your options. They can help assess the situation and advise on the best course of action, which might include mediation or legal proceedings, rather than immediate police involvement, to preserve family relationships if possible.
Sources
- FBI Internet Crime Complaint Center (IC3) 2023 Report — Details on reported financial losses from online crimes.
- Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB) Report on Elder Financial Exploitation — Findings on perpetrator relationships.
- National Adult Protective Services Association (NAPSA) White Paper — Discusses challenges in reporting and prosecuting elder exploitation.
- AARP Public Policy Institute Report — Links financial exploitation to negative mental health outcomes.
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