When Grief Outstays Its Welcome
The awkward truth about saying goodbye when you'd rather not.
Get Palmelle in your Google results.
One tap. Google shows our reporting higher when you search.
The TV show The Madison recently featured a character, Stacy, who avoids the memorial service and then effectively disappears, leaving a void of unanswered questions. It’s a fictional echo of a real dilemma many face: what happens when the expected rituals of mourning feel impossible, or even wrong? [HOLLYWOOD] For those of us in the second half of life, this isn't just a plot point; it's a potential reality. The Madison’s portrayal, while dramatic, brushes against the edges of prolonged grief, a condition that formally entered the DSM-5-TR in March 2022, setting an adult threshold of 12 months for diagnosis. The show highlights how avoiding reminders is a common symptom, but it’s not the whole story. [c1] I read about this and immediately thought of my own mother, who is navigating memory issues. The idea of a memorial service for her, or for me down the line, brings up a complex mix of obligation and dread. If something happened to her today, I’d likely skip the service. Not out of disrespect, but out of a profound exhaustion that feels like it could tip into something more complicated. The thought of being surrounded by people rehashing memories I can't quite access, or worse, memories I'd rather forget, feels like a recipe for disaster. It’s the kind of thing you text your sibling about at 2 AM. My complaint is with how these situations are always framed. The narrative often implies that if you don't perform the 'correct' grieving rituals, you're somehow failing. It’s this unspoken pressure to have a cathartic, tearful goodbye, even when the relationship was difficult, distant, or even harmful. The media, and frankly society, tends to present a singular path to closure, one that doesn't account for the messy, often painful realities of family dynamics. It’s as if skipping the funeral automatically means you’re doing grief wrong. This is where the industry response often kicks in, usually something along the lines of: 'Skipping the funeral can leave grief feeling unfinished or unresolved, as if you never truly had a chance to say goodbye.' [c3] It's a sentiment that sounds reasonable on the surface, but it ignores the nuanced reality of many relationships. It assumes a universal need for a final, formal farewell, a concept that doesn't always align with lived experience. It’s the standard talking point when the emotional reality is far more complex. But here’s the real kicker. For many, avoiding a service isn't about avoiding grief; it's about self-preservation. Choosing not to attend the funeral of an estranged or abusive parent, for instance, can be a clinically valid decision that constitutes a necessary act of self-protection. [c2] The pressure to perform a certain kind of grief ignores the fact that sometimes, the healthiest action is to step away from the performance altogether. The goal isn't to have a perfect goodbye, but to find a way to move forward without being anchored to an unhealthy dynamic. So, what’s a concrete step you can take this week? If you're anticipating difficult conversations about end-of-life wishes or have already experienced a loss that feels complicated, consider documenting your preferences for any future services. This could be as simple as a note in your estate planning documents or a conversation with your executor. It’s not about dictating a memorial, but about communicating your boundaries and needs to those who will be left to manage them. It’s about giving yourself permission to define what closure looks like for you, independent of societal expectations.
The direct answer
Grief doesn't have a single timeline or a prescribed set of rituals. If attending a memorial service feels harmful or inauthentic, it is a valid choice to decline. Prolonged grief disorder is characterized by intense, persistent yearning for the deceased and significant impairment in daily functioning for at least 12 months after a loss, not simply by avoiding a funeral. [c1]
When Mourning Becomes a Problem
The idea that grief should eventually 'end' is a misconception. At OUR HOUSE Grief Support Center, they emphasize that 'there is no specific way of grieving that is right or wrong, and there is not a.' [c1] However, for a subset of individuals, grief can become debilitating and persistent, leading to what is now clinically recognized as prolonged grief disorder. This isn't just about feeling sad for a long time; it involves a persistent and pervasive longing for the deceased, intense sorrow, and often a preoccupation with the circumstances of the death.
The diagnostic criteria for prolonged grief disorder, updated in the DSM-5-TR, include intense emotional pain related to the loss, difficulty with positive and negative emotions, and significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning for at least 12 months for adults. [c1] Symptoms can include avoidance of reminders of the death, difficulty moving on with life, and a sense of disbelief about the death. The prevalence of prolonged grief disorder in adults over 65 varies significantly across studies, ranging from 0.5% to 21%. [c1] This wide range reflects different methodologies and populations studied, but it underscores that this is not a rare occurrence among older adults.
For those who had complex or difficult relationships with the deceased, the pressure to perform a conventional grieving process can be particularly challenging. The expectation of a tearful, cathartic farewell might feel entirely out of step with reality. In such cases, choosing not to attend a funeral or memorial service is not a sign of disrespect, but can be a necessary act of self-protection and emotional regulation. [c2] It allows individuals to avoid re-traumatization or the performance of emotions they do not genuinely feel.
The Rituals We Feel We 'Should' Perform
The societal emphasis on funerals and memorials as the sole path to closure can be misleading. While these rituals can be deeply meaningful for some, offering a sense of community and a structured way to process loss, they are not universally beneficial. For individuals estranged from their families or who experienced abuse, a funeral can feel like a performance, a public acknowledgment of a relationship that was fraught with pain.
Horan & McConaty notes that when the step of attending a service is skipped, 'the grief can feel unfinished or unresolved, as if you never truly had a chance to say goodbye.' [c3] This perspective, while well-intentioned, overlooks the possibility that for some, a formal goodbye isn't necessary or even desirable. The absence of a ritual doesn't automatically preclude resolution; resolution can be found through other means, such as personal reflection, therapy, or simply the passage of time and distance.
The key distinction is between a healthy process of adjustment and the debilitating symptoms of prolonged grief. Avoiding a funeral doesn't automatically mean you are suffering from prolonged grief disorder. The diagnosis hinges on the persistence and severity of symptoms over a significant period and the degree of functional impairment. [c1] If your decision to skip a service is a conscious act of self-care, rather than an inability to face reminders due to intense yearning and distress, it is likely a healthy coping mechanism.
Want more of this?
Mark Palmelle a preferred source and it shows up when you search Google.
Navigating Your Own Path to Peace
When dealing with a loss, particularly one involving a complicated relationship, it's crucial to recognize that your experience of grief is valid, even if it doesn't align with societal norms. The pressure to conform to a specific grieving model can be detrimental, potentially exacerbating distress. Instead, focus on what truly helps you process the loss in a way that feels authentic and promotes your own well-being.
This might involve journaling, seeking therapy with a professional experienced in complicated grief or trauma, or engaging in activities that bring you a sense of peace and grounding. It could also mean setting firm boundaries around discussions or interactions related to the deceased, especially if those interactions trigger painful memories or feelings. The goal is not to erase the loss, but to integrate it into your life in a way that allows you to move forward without being consumed by it.
Ultimately, the decision to attend a memorial service or not is a personal one. There is no single 'right' way to grieve. If the prospect of a service fills you with dread or feels like a forced performance, honor that feeling. Your well-being and your ability to process the loss on your own terms are paramount. The absence of a ritual does not equate to the absence of healing.
Common mistakes
- Assuming everyone needs a formal funeral or memorial service to 'get over' a loss.
This overlooks the complexity of relationships and individual needs. For those with difficult family histories, such events can be re-traumatizing rather than healing. Prioritizing your own emotional safety is more important than adhering to traditional expectations. - Confusing avoidance of a memorial with prolonged grief disorder.
While avoiding reminders can be a symptom of prolonged grief disorder, it is not the sole criterion. The disorder involves persistent, debilitating yearning and functional impairment for at least 12 months. [c1] Making a conscious choice to skip a service for self-preservation is different from being unable to function due to intense grief.
Frequently asked
What are the signs of prolonged grief disorder?
Signs include intense emotional pain, persistent yearning for the deceased, difficulty moving on with life, disbelief about the death, and significant impairment in daily functioning for at least 12 months after the loss. [c1] Avoiding reminders is one of eight associated symptoms, but not a diagnosis on its own.
Is it okay to not want to attend a funeral for a parent I didn't get along with?
Absolutely. Choosing not to attend the funeral of an estranged or difficult parent is a clinically valid decision that can be a necessary act of self-protection. [c2] Your emotional well-being takes precedence, and forcing yourself into a situation that causes distress is counterproductive to healthy grieving.
How can I honor a parent or partner if I don't attend their service?
Honoring a parent or partner can take many forms outside of a formal service. This could include creating your own personal ritual, donating to a cause they cared about, spending time reflecting on positive memories (if they exist), or simply living your life in a way that honors their positive impact, however small. The key is finding a method that feels meaningful and authentic to you.
Sources
- PTSD: National Center for PTSD — Discusses grief reactions, including prolonged grief disorder and its diagnostic criteria.
- Annie Wright — Explores the validity of choosing not to attend funerals, particularly for estranged or abusive parents, as an act of self-protection.
- Horan & McConaty — Discusses the potential feelings of unresolved grief associated with skipping funeral services.
- OUR HOUSE Grief Support Center — Addresses the nature of grief and the expectation of its ending.
More from The Conversation → · Back to Perch · Browse all stories
More of this, in your Google results.
Takes one tap, and it applies everywhere you search — not just this page.